HUGE can of worms.....

OK, so apparently my previous post about my issues with the Catholic church has really upset numerous people. I've received several emails in regards to my post....some emails supporting my views and many others explaining to me why I'm wrong. While I appreciate the fact that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, I REFUSE to accept or admit the fact that anything Terry or I did to become parents was wrong!!! I will NOT confess to any sin by seeking medical help to become a parent!!! Granted I've done many awful things in my life, and by no means am I without sin. But I in no way believe that seeking medical assistance is a sin!!!

One out of every six American couples will face difficulty getting pregnant, yet their cries go unheard. The desire for a child is all-consuming. The hurt is constant. The struggle is hard and the answers are unclear. What I do feel is clear.... is that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and understands our pain. Throughout scripture we see many couples who begged God for a child. Some pleas were granted and some were not. We have been blessed to have our prayers answered!!!

I refuse to apologize for my opinions and beliefs. By no means am I saying that I believe that my way is the only way. It is just what I personally believe. Someday I would like to be able to discuss the journey Terry & I went through with our children. I don't want to put them into a position to think or feel that their conception was sinful.

Just an after Christmas update....

Nothing really exciting to post... No doctors appointments lately, which actually has been kind of nice. We go back on January 16Th for our next check up.

The babies already received Christmas gifts this year. I know...Terry's Mom is a little obsessive about shopping. But they did get some really neat Disney things for their room. Terry and I went shopping over the weekend and got some really GREAT deals!! We went to Old Navy's after Christmas sale. I spent $47 and got almost $300 worth of maternity clothes. I finally broke down and had to buy some maternity pants. After spending a couple of weeks trying to cram my rear end into my regular clothes, I decided it was finally time. I also got several really nice maternity sweaters for Christmas. Other than that, our Christmas was rather uneventful....just the typical screaming of kids being overtired and super excited.

Just a quick update on my previous post..... I did sort of attend the mid-night service. Being that I can barely stay awake past 9:00pm, I wasn't quite sure how I would make it through a mid-night mass. I went at 11:30 for the children's service and then I bolted for several reasons.

1. I didn't think that my snoring would be appropriate during a church service.

2. See my previous post about my current issues with the Catholic Church

3. I'm fairly certain that the odor of the incense would definitely have made me vomit.

We did also make a quick stop by Babies 'r' Us just to check some things out. We have been a little leery of buying things for the babies yet, but if everything goes well with our next appointment we are going to start painting and decorating the nursery. We've narrowed down our selection for the cribs. Terry has chosen one and I have chosen another. Above are pictures, let us know which one you like best!! We need help deciding! (I'm not going to tell you who chose which crib. I don't want that to influence any ones choice) The top crib looks black in the picture but it is actually cherry. (I tried to post the pictures below this blog, but apparently I'm not smart enough to figure out how to do that????)

To go OR Not to go???

OK, I'm faced with a small dilemma today. But first, let me give you a little background about me. I'm sure that most of you already know this, but I was raised in a strong Catholic family. Every Saturday evening at 5:15 promptly, we would all pile into the car and head to church. Growing up I attended all the religion classes, made my first confession, communion, and confirmation. Even though, to this day, I feel that it is ridiculous to ask a 13 year old child to make a lifelong commitment to the church, I did it because that's what I was told to do. Church to me was always a requirement and a obligation, not a choice. At some point, all of my sisters have pulled the "bring home a bulletin" trick. If my parents couldn't attend mass on Saturday and we still chose to, we were told to "bring home the bulletin" as proof we actually went to church. One evening this did not fit into my Saturday night plans. My older sister Paula let me in on the trick. You have your friend or boyfriend that you are going to be hanging with that night drive you by the church. You run in real fast, grab the bulletin and take off. This way you have the bulletin, but no one really knows that you didn't stay for the whole service. This trick has been passed down to all my sisters. I'm fairly positive that at some point all of us have done this. (If any of my sisters are reading this, I'm sorry for ratting you out. But I have to think that Mom already knows about this. Some how she knows everything!!)

When I moved to Indiana, I really didn't know a lot of people. The church is where I met a lot of my friends. I volunteered as a youth minister, help organize bake sales, all that good stuff. I was hoping that by doing this I could meet new people. Keeping in mind that this was MANY years ago... but when my ex-husband and I starting trying to have kids and were unsuccessful I turned to my friend Molly, whom I had met at the local Catholic church. Molly shared with me that she felt stuck in the Catholic church because of her husband. They too were struggling with infertility, but her husband wouldn't seek professional help, because in the eyes of the Catholic church, pursuing other options is frowned upon. She explained to me that the Catholic church believes that children that are not conceived the old fashion way were technically not children of God. She shared with me that if we pursued fertility treatments that our children would not be allowed to be baptised into the Catholic faith. I verified this with the Deacon and he confirmed what she was saying. I always knew that the Catholic church felt weird but this particular day was when I decided 100% that Catholicism was definitely not for me!!!

I do believe that there is only one God, and that different Churches chose to interpret and worship the bible in different ways. Since leaving the Catholic church I have found a new religious home and have met so many amazing woman through the church and my weekly bible study.

Ok, so that was a long story to get to my point..... I know that by now you are asking yourself.... What's the dilemma? A good friend of mines daughter is an angel at the midnight mass service this evening. They have asked me to join them. I have mixed feelings. If the Catholic church does not accept me, my husband and my babies, what's the point? But also, at the same time I don't want to hurt a 5 year old little girl. Am I just being selfish?? Probably, but I have really strong feelings about this!!

Quick Dr's Appointment update....

Had another appointment today. I feel like I live at doctor's offices. We met our high risk guy who will be delivering our babies. I have to say, that I really like this guy. My appointment was at 11:00 and we didn't leave until almost 1:30. I had 100 (no exaggeration) questions and he sat patiently with me and answered every single one. We had another ultrasound today(#4 or maybe this is #5, I'm losing count already). The babies look good and were really active. I think we may have a couple gymnasts on our hands. One of the babies kept doing flips. The other one looked like it was scratching its head.
Obviously, the third baby is still there but doesn't do anything. It will no longer continue to grow nor will it take any nutrients from the other two. The doctor assures me that it will have no affect on the health of the other babies. It will remain the same size & shape that it is now.
Yes, we are still having triplets, but we only will be bringing two home from the hospital (God willing). I actually will give birth to three babies. For some reason, when people say "well, it's twins now" that really bothers me. In our hearts, We always will be parents to triplets. Our baby 'Hope' just decided to make her way to heaven without gracing us with her presence first.

Funny Cartoon....

I just thought I would share. This has been the only thing that has come even remotely close to making me smile today.

Just remember....God has a plan for you!! Right??

Here's the low down.... We had another ultrasound this morning. This one was with a maternal fetal medicine specialist. Basically, they just have more high tech equipment.

Baby A..... She (at least that's my opinion) was being very camera shy. She was rolling around and kept turning away from the camera. As you can tell from the picture, she didn't want any part of this. I'm guessing she is just like me and doesn't enjoy having to get up so early for doctors appointments. She has a strong heart beat and according to the doctor looks very healthy.

Baby B..... He (again, this is only my opinion) was all about being in the spotlight. You can somewhat see it in the picture, but he was waving at us. It was super cute!! He also was moving around like crazy. Baby B also has a strong heart beat and is healthy.

Baby C.... This is the bad part. Baby C no longer has a heart beat and has made her way to heaven. We have no idea what happened or what caused this.... but I again just have to keep telling myself that ultimately only God knows the plan for our family. I'm trying so hard not to question my faith right now but it's so incredibly hard.

My three crabs.....

ok, maybe not the most appropriate title for this blog, but at least i'm making an attempt at humor now.....

We saw the RE for the last time today. It's kind of bittersweet. I love all the amazing ladies at Midwest Fertility and I will miss the security that I have with them. But now it's onto the high risk ob/gyn.

I had another ultrasound today to see my little three. And yes, at this point they look like crabs. Dr. Reuter said that everything looks great. All babies (aka babies A, B & C) have strong heart beats and measure approx. 1/2 inch each. She said everything looks normal and at this point everyone appears to be right on schedule.

So, my next step is seeing a maternal fetal medicine and genetics specialist for another ultrasound on the 12th and then I meet with the high risk ob and his team on the 15th.

I hope that each and everyone of you have a great Thanksgiving!! We have a ton to be thankful for this year!!!

My new words to live by...

JEREMIAH 29:11

New Living Translation (NLT)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

The Message (MSG)
10-11This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

HOLY CRAP!!! (it's the only appropriate title for this blog!!!)

OK, so today was/is the big day!!! We went this morning at 11:15 for our first ultrasound. I immediately saw two sacs on the screen and what kind of looked like a third.

The doctor checked the first one(aka baby A).....good strong heart beat.

She moved onto the second(aka baby B).....another good strong heart beat.

Then she looked at the little small sac that she originally thought was nothing....and yep, another good strong heart beat(aka baby C). The third one is smaller than the other two, but has the strongest and highest heart rate.

I'm not sure what else to say at this point. I'm having trouble formulating complete sentences let alone composing a blog. Terry and I are both still in shock. Give me a couple of days to let it sink in and I will post more.

T-minus two hours and Counting.....

Ok, so I just wanted to do a small "pre-post" this morning. I have to give my boss, Andy, major kudos for being super cool.

I've left out a lot of the small details in my postings. During the whole IUI process, I went to the doctor almost everyday. I either had blood work, and ultrasound or both everyday or every other day. Most of the time I was able to schedule my appointments early enough to make it to work on time. But there were several times that I was 15-30 minutes late because the office was running behind.

So, I'm sure that everyone knows that my ultrasound is at 11:15 EST today. I'm basically just taking a long lunch and Terry is meeting me at the office. Andy told me to take my time and go out and have lunch with Terry afterwards. I'm so lucky to have a boss who is so flexible. Making the switch between agents almost 4 years ago was very difficult for me, but I've never regretted it for one moment!!!

Just a thought....

Revelations 3:8

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go, only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly! 'The power of one sentence! God is going to shift things around for you today and let things work in your favor. God closes doors no man can open & God opens doors no man can close. If you need God to open, some doors for you...remember what your knees are for. Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing...

I think it's gonna stick!!!

Ok, so I had my second BETA test yesterday. Yes, my RE's office is open on Sundays. Blood work came back at 711!!! The nurse said that is a fabulous number.

My first ultrasound is schedule for 11-19. So, hopefully then I will be able to finally believe it. I'm still a little freaked out about the fact that we have the potential for multiples, but God won't dump more on me than I can handle, right??

OMG!!!!

Ok, so after taking 6 HPT's (all postitive), I had my BETA this morning. I'm 307!!

I don't think that I really believe it yet! I go back on Sunday for another round of bloodwork. Maybe then I will believe it.

Thank you so much to all the ladies who have walked me thru this and for each and every one of your prayers!!!

The most amazing feeling was hearing the sound of my husbands voice when I told him. His response..."wow, I'm gonna be a Dad".

Praise God!!! My only path to peace on this journey with infertility has been my relationship with God. He showed me things i never would have seen without Him, and taught me lessons I never could have learned!

More waiting.... GRRRRR!!!

Ok, so... yes you guessed it.... I took another HPT this morning when I got up. POSITIVE!!!
So, I just got the official blood work done at the doctors office. And now we wait. This process has been extremely stressful, but in the end, if it works... all the waiting will be totally worth it. I know that they close at noon today so I will have some idea of what's going on before then.

I have a death grip on my cell phone and I'm praying harder than I ever have before!!!!

Reminder & note to self: GOD IS IN CONTROL!!! ULTIMATELY, HE KNOWS WHAT YOUR JOURNEY ENTAILS.

I keep reminding myself the words of my beautiful friend Robin.....Put your faith in the Lord...lean not on your own understanding! It is all going to work out!

I'm starting to get excited...

ok, so I had sales meetings all afternoon yesterday. I got home early (like 4:30), I pee'd on a stick again. POSITIVE!!!

I talked to my sister last night. Being a nurse, she said that she won't believe it until I use my first pee of the morning. (sorry too much info, I know) So, I did it again this morning POSITIVE AGAIN!!!

So, I think that it worked!!! I'm still trying not to get too excited because I've been in this position before and then It went away. So, I'm anxiously counting the hours until my appointment tomorrow!!!

Terry's starting to get excited too. This morning when he kissed me good bye, he rubbed my belly and said I love you. I almost wanted to cry. We both want this so much!!

Maybe???

ok, so I caved. I had to run to CVS to pick up my prenatal vitamin rx. I had to walk right by the prego tests to get to the pharmacy in the back of the store. Yes, I know what you are thinking! I said I wasn't going to do it. But big shocker... I bought one. I went directly back to the office and pee'd on the stick. It was positive. My iui was on 10-17 & 10-18 and my BETA is on Friday 10-31. Is it too soon for me to actually be getting a positive reading? My RE warned me about false positives.... but I think that I just wanted to see what a positive actually looked like. I'm trying not to get my hopes up just in case, but It would be really great if God has decided to bless me with this miracle.

I did a first response digital hpt. The little tiny hourglass flashes for what feels like days and then it says pregnant or not pregnant. This one was flashing and while I was washing my hands and refreshing my lipstick I looked over and it said "pregnant". So, It didn't even take the full 3 minutes. I'm kinda kicking myself for not waiting, because I really want to be super excited, but I don't want to celebrate too soon!!

More waiting.....

OK, so we had a great weekend...

I took Terry to a local pumpkin patch & corn maze. Can you believe that a 42 year old man has never been to a pumpkin patch? He blames it on growing up in Chicago. Even though we had a great time together, it was still kinda sad. Everyone on the hayride to the pumpkin patch was with their children...and here sat alone, my husband and I, childless.

But I digress, We can only hope that this time next year we have a little one to take with us. But I am constantly trying to remind myself that GOD IS IN CONTROL!!! NOT ME, BUT GOD!!!

But I do have to share a story, If this offends anyone I apologize in advance.

Terry shared with me his story of "depositing his specimen" as he calls it...
The doctors office apparently has a "video of the day". I guess that makes sense. If you have to "deposit" two days in a row, this way you don't get bored right? Well, apparently my husband is rather picky with his porn. I won't tell you what he said about Friday's video. But Saturday, I guess the video obviously had two people engaging in the physical act of love. But here's the kicker.... it was thru a fence. The guy on one side and the woman on the other. Apparantly, Terry was not at all impressed with what we now refer to as "fence porn". He commented on how the woman looked like a devil.

I'm not sure why this is so funny to me. But I guess if you can't find something little to laugh about during this process you are going to drive yourself nuts.

We are hoping that the crazy "devil fence porn" story is some kind of crazy sign. We do our test on Friday, October 31st. HALLOWEEN!! My older sister found out on Halloween 5 years ago that she was prego. Sounds like a sign to me???

I'm trying soooo hard to be optimistic!! But the 2ww is KILLING ME!!!!

The waiting is killing me!!!

Ok, so I'm one week post iui.

I went to my RE's office this morning for bloodwork. Basically from what I understand they are checking my progesterone levels. The doc wants to make sure that it greater than 20 so that my body can substain a pregnancy if God grants us the opportunity!

I got the call from the office that everything looks good. I ovulated and my progesterone is greater than 20.

So on with more waiting!!!

Now we wait.....

ok, so we had the actual IUI (Intrauterine insemination) procedure done yesterday and today....

Hopefully we aren't starting any traditions, but Terry went to the doc early to "watch his porn" as he so politely puts it. We met for breakfast and then both went back together. We did this both days. It was nice to enjoy a bite to eat together, even though I was so nervous on Friday that I just nibbled on my pancakes.

Friday, Shelly did the procedure. I barely felt anything. I asked her if she was doing it because I didn't feel it. Saturday was a different story. Another nurse practitioner in the office, that I was not familiar with, did the procedure. I've been told that your uterus moves so that may have been the cause of my pain, but WOW what a difference a day makes. I didn't really care for her bedside manner but Terry thinks it may just be due to the fact that it wasn't Shelly. I've grown really comfortable with Shelly and I kinda freek out a little when I have to deal with some one new.

So now we begin the 2 week wait!! Let the prayers begin!!!

Two posts in One...

I'm a little behind in posting...

Had an appointment on 10-14 & on 10-16 both for ultrasounds. Looks like my follicles are growing!!! Grow baby Grow!! On Tuesday, Shelly the nurse said there were six each between 14-11. On Thursday she said there were 3. I'm not sure where the other 3 went but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the 3 that I have keep growing strong!!!

Tomorrow is the big day!!

Terry goes tomorrow at 8:30 to "deposit his specimen" and I go at 9:45 for implantation!!

I'm freeking out a little!!!

OUCH!!

ok, so my meds arrived today. I was totally freaked out about having to give myself a shot, seeing as how I HATE needles.

We have some friends in town, one of which is a nurse. I figured that If I couldn't do it, at least she would be around. I tried to pump myself up to do it myself because I know that Nicole won't be around everyday that I need meds.

Finally after a small panic attack, I DID IT!!! Terry was right next to me supporting me, but he couldn't look at the needle.... Hence the reason why I'm giving the shots to myself!

It's really not that bad. I think it's more in my head than anything!!!

In the beginning....

Ok, so today is the beginning. I decided that I would begin to blog this process as not to forget the good, the bad and the exciting times to come. Terry & I have decided that we are not going to share this process with many. It's a very personal situation and it is very stressful. Not many understand the journey of infertility......being constantly poked, proded, monitored etc. It becomes a lot to handle. We just decided that we didn't want to add the questions of friends and family on top of the existing stress.

Today, we meet with the fertility doctor (also known as a reproductive endocrinologist) at 11:30. From my initial understanding, we will have an ultrasound and I will be trained on how to administer the medication to myself. This process scares me completely!! I’m a little freaked out by needles and having to give myself a shot is something that I’m not sure that I can do. But in the end if it works it will be totally worth it

I’m feeling a little light headed and strangely dizzy this morning but I think that it’s just nerves. We shall see how things go.