Friday, May 28, 2010


I can honestly say that it has been a few months since I've had a panic attack or have been seriously worried about something affecting my girls.  It's been nice to be able to semi-relax and not be uptight about results of pending tests from doctor's appointments.

As the weekend approaches I'm beginning to get that huge knot in my stomach again.  That same knot that I used to get every Sunday evening before Addison would have her weekly Monday brain scans.  That same knot that I would get before every MRI, every x-ray, pretty much basically every test my girls ever had.

Before every test, I would find myself bargaining with God.  I would have conversations with HIM, pleading for HIM to protect my girls.  I would tell HIM that I would do anything HE wanted if HE would just let them be ok.  Instead of just having faith that HE knew what was best for our family, and trusting that HE would protect us, I tried to bargain with HIM. 

My bargaining didn't work most days, but it brought me to my knees on more than one occasion.  It has made me realize that I need to just "Let go and Let God".....A much easier said than done concept for me.  So, once again today, I'm reminded a scripture I've quoted numerous times before, Jeremiah 29:11.  There is something about this gentle reminder that allows me to take a deep breath and know that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to.

You probably are wondering what I'm getting at here.....
Tuesday morning, bright and early, Alexis will see the pediatric opthamologist again.  Alexis had/has ROP (retinopathy of prematurity).  Basically ROP is abnormal blood vessel development of the retina.  Alexis' ROP was caused mainly by being born prematurely, but also because of the high amounts of oxygen they had to used to "jump start" her when she was born.

Yes, Alexis can see, and we are very grateful for that.  I know this to be true because that girl can spot a cheerio from across the room.  She has issues from time to time where her eyes will cross or where one eye will turn outward.  When she gets really tired you can see that her eyes start to bother her.  At her last appointment the doctor discussed with us the possibility of prescribing her glasses to see if that would correct the problem.  Her eye muscles are weak and generally underdeveloped.  All normal issues of a premature baby with ROP.  The doctor did also indicate that if glasses do not correct the problem she may have to have surgery to stop the abnormal blood vessels from growing.  At her last appointment he wasn't ready to make a decision regarding her treatment.  He wanted to give her a few more months to mature.  Tuesday's appointment will determine our plan of action.

I think it will literally break my heart if my little peanut has to wear glasses.  We will do whatever is in her best interest but I hope she doesn't have to.  I'm not sure if I will be strong enough to accept it if the doctor says that she needs to have surgery.  For now, I'm just trying to breath and I am praying for the best.  No, this isn't a life or death issue, but I can't help but think that my little girl has already been through enough in her short little life.

I ask all of you to join me in praying that Alexis' eye issues have all resolved on their own and that she doesn't have to have surgery.  I firmly believe that we are where we are today because of the millions of answered prayers that we have had for our family.  We can not thank each and every one of you enough.

We hope you all have a fun and safe Memorial Day Holiday!!!


Robin said...

I am SO behind on my reading but I will be catching up soon. Summer is coming and I will have more time than I know what to do with!

Regarding the glasses, don't worry. IF she has to wear them you will adjust. It will really be no big deal. When Alli had to get glasses I cried and cried. This was, of course, before her other issues developed and I got a sense of what was really important/worth crying about, but regardless I was totally devestated. Even then it really didn't seem so bad after a while and now they are just a part of her.

And heck, you might not even have to go that route! It sounds like there is still a chance things could resolve on their own!
Good luck Tuesday!

Amy's Blah, Blah, Blogging said...

I remember when my four year old was just born and she could not get rid of the jaundice for anything. The numbers just kept going up and up. The visiting nurse would come to our house every day and keep pricking her tiny little foot. It was horrible. I would cry and cry and cry.

When Anna was born she was fine the first day and the second she was rushed to the NICU. The "gunk" had not gotten out of her lungs due to the c-section. I remember her lying in that little bed with a needle in her head and hooked up to so many machines. I didn't think I could take it. I felt crushed.

But, of course I did make it through. God brought me through. I could only breathe too.

You are going to make it too. Whatever that doctor tells you on Tuesday, you are going to breathe in and breathe out and do whatever it is you need to do. You are a great momma to those girls and God gave you to them as their momma because He knew you would be the best one for the job!

Just breathe.

missdreampainter said...

How did the appt go? My niece has been wearing glasses since she was about 9 months and the little thing has been through numerous eye surgeries, same thing with the weak eye muscles and one eye going cross, I know it is hard to see them suffer like that but know there are options out there and my niece is the most active little thing and participates in soccer and gymnastics even though they just learned she has no depth perception. Your girls are going to learn to be fighters and overcome obstacles most kids will never face but the reality is they will be stronger and able to handle life's setbacks better than most kids. Stay strong and your fight for them will teach them to always be ready no matter what life throws their way.