Lets start with Hope. Over the past week, the one year anniversary of bringing our girls home from the NICU past. While I know that this should be a great milestone, I can't help but think about our little one(s) who never got to join us on this crazy journey. I know that God took her from us for a reason and that she is watching over and protecting all of us, but I still wonder why? Will it ever get easier? Will there ever be a day that goes by that I don't ever question what it was that I did wrong?
Saturday morning I was sitting out on our back deck having a cup of joe before the girls got up. Out of no where it started raining while the sun was out in all it's glory. So I moved to our covered front porch. Almost instantly the most beautiful rainbow covered the sky. In my heart, I know that was Hope gracing us with her beauty and giving me a sign that she's ok. She's was smiling down on us and reminding me that she is an angel protecting us all.
15 months? How is it possible that the girls are going to the pediatrician for 15 month check ups this afternoon? We are hoping that the doctor will be satisfied with the girls weight gain and will ok the switch from formula to cow's milk. While I'm worried about making the transition, I can definitely say, without a doubt, that I WILL NOT MISS MIXING, MEASURING AND/OR MAKING FORMULA!!! I also will not miss the dent that formula makes on the bank account every month. Just a rough estimate.....but Terry and I did the math. We've used approximately 250 cans of formula over the last year. 250 X $20= $5000. That's just a rough estimate. Some of the formula was $25 a can and some was $18. But we will be glad to have a little more money in our pocket book each month.
They originally told us in the NICU that we wouldn't start to fully know the affects of Addison's brain bleed or the affects of the girls being born so prematurely until they reached 18-24 months. As each day grows closer I become more and more terrified that something isn't going to be right. I know that no matter what their future holds, I will love both of them as much today as I did the day they were born. I just wish that I could be a normal parent and be able to take my children to a pediatrician's appointment without being petrified that she will give us bad news.
Why is it so hard to Let Go and Let God?