Monday, July 12, 2010

In a Funk....

I apologize for my lack of blogging lately.  I guess you could say I've been in sort of a "blogging funk" recently.  I need to post pictures from the Fourth of July and just some other random pictures from our daily activities, but I just haven't felt up to it.  I'm not quite sure why that is and I've been trying to figure it out.  The only thing that I can think of is that some pretty significant transitions are about to happen and the fact that Baby Hope has been on my mind A LOT lately.

Lets start with Hope.  Over the past week, the one year anniversary of bringing our girls home from the NICU past.  While I know that this should be a great milestone, I can't help but think about our little one(s) who never got to join us on this crazy journey.  I know that God took her from us for a reason and that she is watching over and protecting all of us, but I still wonder why?  Will it ever get easier?  Will there ever be a day that goes by that I don't ever question what it was that I did wrong?

Saturday morning I was sitting out on our back deck having a cup of joe before the girls got up.  Out of no where it started raining while the sun was out in all it's glory.  So I moved to our covered front porch.  Almost instantly the most beautiful rainbow covered the sky.  In my heart, I know that was Hope gracing us with her beauty and giving me a sign that she's ok.  She's was smiling down on us and reminding me that she is an angel protecting us all. 

15 months?  How is it possible that the girls are going to the pediatrician for 15 month check ups this afternoon?  We are hoping that the doctor will be satisfied with the girls weight gain and will ok the switch from formula to cow's milk.  While I'm worried about making the transition, I can definitely say, without a doubt, that I WILL NOT MISS MIXING, MEASURING AND/OR MAKING FORMULA!!!  I also will not miss the dent that formula makes on the bank account every month.  Just a rough estimate.....but Terry and I did the math.  We've used approximately 250 cans of formula over the last year.  250 X $20= $5000.  That's just a rough estimate.  Some of the formula was $25 a can and some was $18.  But we will be glad to have a little more money in our pocket book each month.

The girls seem to be doing very well.  I will post their weights and their current stats in the next few days.  I'm just I the only mother of a preemie that is always waiting for the other shoe to drop?  For some reason I have trouble accepting the fact that my girls are thriving and doing well.  I thank God every day that they are progressing, but I secretly dissect every move that they make.  I wonder if every sneeze is RSV sneaking into our house.  I wonder if Alexis crawling backwards is an early sign of autism.  I wonder if Addison's brain hemorrhage is the reason she didn't walk earlier.  I can't help but want the absolute best for my girls.  I think this is why my eyes are always peeled, in hopes that if something is wrong, I can catch it early.  Who knows?  Maybe I'm just being a crazy overbearing mother?? 

They originally told us in the NICU that we wouldn't start to fully know the affects of Addison's brain bleed or the affects of the girls being born so prematurely until they reached 18-24 months.  As each day grows closer I become more and more terrified that something isn't going to be right.  I know that no matter what their future holds, I will love both of them as much today as I did the day they were born.  I just wish that I could be a normal parent and be able to take my children to a pediatrician's appointment without being petrified that she will give us bad news. 

Why is it so hard to Let Go and Let God? 


Amy's Blah, Blah, Blogging said...

1 Peter 5:7 says to cast all of your anxieties upon Him, for He cares for you. I hope you will believe that promise today and truly start to give those anxieties to Him that really does love you and care for you.

I think as a mommy, we all have tendencies to be frightened about what may happen or come, but paranoia and "funkism" is no way to live really. Enjoy the day, the moment, tomorrow will come soon enough. And, if something is wrong, does that mean you will love your girls any less? No, it just means you will care for them in an extra special way, just like you do now!

God bless you and your sweet girls!

Jody said...

Janet I'm sending you cyber hugs..I know it is hard and we wait for that next shoe to drop since we are soo used to bad news and all the scary statistics they gave us. I do think Hope and the rest of our angels are looking down on us during those hard times sending us signals to make us smile and to keep going.

Robin said...

Your worries are so normal. (Or, well, I have them, too. Maybe we are both abnormal?) Waiting for the other shoe to drop might just be a part of parenthood. Hopefully that feeling will fade for you soon.

I feel you about not wanting to blog. I have been through a funk or two myself.

missdreampainter said...

hang in there, worry is normal parenting. i have no idea what it is like what you have been thru with the girls but i know i worry about the simplest things and what they could mean with kingsley. just enjoy the moments now because we have no idea what the future holds maybe it is better than we can imagine, or maybe our worst fears come true but the time we focus one now can only create beautiful memories to cherish as we look back and remember these days because they go by so fast.